By Alexandra Napoli
Staff Writer
Imagine getting a terrifying campus alert…
Attention students of St. Bonaventure University and citizens of Olean! Multiple sightings of what seem to be zombies roaming throughout Cattaraugus County have recently been reported. These deranged, walking corpses are allegedly headed south towards Olean, looking for brand new flesh to feed on.
It is believed that these zombies are awakening due to a fever that is now spreading throughout the nation. Once contracted, the fever reaches a temperature so high that there is no way to escape it. It has killed millions throughout the country. If you contract the disease, you will die — temporarily.
Citizens have witnessed the bodies come back to life. They are dangerous, wild and merciless. Their flesh is rotting, and they reek of death. The disease has wiped out major cities including Los Angeles, Phoenix and Atlanta.
It is important that students at St. Bonaventure and citizens of Olean take urgent and major precautions and prepare for the approaching fever — and the zombies.
Local hardware store Worth W. Smith Co. is now selling a Zombie Survival Bucket.
“The survival buckets are equipped with more than 30 essential survival items such as matches, water and plastic tarps,” said Nate Smith, owner of Worth W. Smith Co. “We’ve had them in for about a month, and they’ve been selling really well. I don’t see them going away anytime soon.”
Along with purchasing the Zombie Survival Bucket, citizens are advised to lock their homes, board up their doors and windows and stay inside. If you are bitten or even scratched by a zombie, you will contract the disease, and your fate is sealed.
Sylvester Murphy, a senior biology major, provided additional advice based on what he heard from his family in Atlanta.
“The zombies don’t feel pain. If you hit them or shoot them in the chest, nothing will happen,” Murphy said. “You need to hit them in the head; that’s where the disease is. That’s the only way they’ll die,”
Zombies function strictly on motor skills, which means they feel only one thing — hunger.
The smell of warm, human flesh is the number one zombie attraction. But from eyewitness accounts, zombies are also attracted to light and sound. While citizens seek shelter in homes, they should avoid bright lights at night and loud noises at all costs.
Although zombies are prevalent during the day, they become even more active and vicious during nighttime — allegedly due to the lower temperatures after sundown. Avoid going outside without any means of protection — guns and crowbars are the most effective devices for defeating the walking dead.
The zombie epidemic will spread rapidly; houses will be destroyed, streets will become lifeless and the human population will decrease. If homes become too vulnerable, Sean O’Brien, a sophomore journalism and mass communication major, knows of a few places to seek refuge in.
“I’ve learned a lot from what I’ve read in books and seen in movies,” O’Brien said. “The best places to go when zombies attack are easily defensible, yet unexpected buildings, like prisons.”
The zombies (along with the fever) have been sighted in the Salamanca area and will most likely approach Olean within a week. In the meantime, all citizens and students need to lock their doors, get supplies and prepare for the zombie apocalypse.
…Though it hasn’t happened yet, it never hurts to be prepared.
