photo courtesy of @indiewire on Instagram
BY MEGHAN BAEHL, OPINION EDITOR
A ‘Final Girl’ is the last one standing in a horror movie, traditionally in slasher films, who outsmarts the killer.
Horror movies are known for their iconic tropes that have spearheaded the genre since its inception. From haunted houses to groups that inexplicably split and from possessed dolls to jump scares, there have been many pitfalls previous horror-movie characters have slipped into that have kept them from “Final Girl” status.
As a former avid horror movie watcher, it always boggled my mind how idiotic the actions of some movie characters were leading up to their untimely demises. So, I’m here to give you five easy steps to help put you up there with some of Hollywood’s most-famous Final Girls, such as Alice Hardy (“Friday the 13th”) and Sidney Prescott (“Scream”).
So you find yourself in a horror movie — lucky you!
First, you never want to say, “I’ll be right back.” I’ll give it to you straight: You will not be back. If you want to be a Final Girl, you should never make promises you can’t keep. The best strategy is not to stray away from the warm confines of that cabin you and your friends found in the middle of the woods. Unless it’s haunted, in that case, run — and bring your friends with you.
The second horror movie no-no is to avoid lingering as soon as you hear any ominous, sing-songy music. RUN.
I find that is the biggest mistake made in horror movies. People are curious and trying hard to be ‘investigators’ when they should just run like hell. If I heard a noise, I would be scared out of my mind. Fear should make people less curious and more cautious! You can’t avoid jump scares, but you can limit the number of times the killer can sneak up on you if you are vigilant and don’t allow yourself to be left alone in the camp showers investigating a suspicious noise.
Thirdly, stay away from any haunted-looking houses or possessed dolls. Or dolls of any kind.
“But Meghan, my friend just moved into an old house on Elm Street … ” — I don’t want to hear it.
If it looks creepy, it probably is creepy. Stay away from the woods, cemeteries and pretty much anything that’s creepier at night. Try not to take any counselor jobs at decrepit summer camps or babysitting gigs in spooky old houses. Also, never answer the phone. Unless it is your mom, “Hi mom!”
Fourthly, when the remaining group members suggest “splitting up,” don’t do it! What is this, gosh darn “Scooby-Doo?” There is strength in numbers. The only proper time to be alone is when you’re the only one left, and it is you one vs. one the killer because that is how you become a true Final Girl.
Finally, don’t fall under the seductive spell of a cute member of the preferred sex. This might sound a little out there, but the “You have sex, you die next” trope is still prevalent in horror movies. I know this might be tempting, but the easiest way to survive is to practice abstinence.
So you made it. All your friends are dead, and you’ll have enough trauma to last you a lifetime, but you survived. The only thing you have to fear now is a sequel.
baehlma21@bonaventure.edu
